The Insanity Report
by The Sensual Lips
Summary: Be warned this story is as every bit crazy as I am. Any warning you can possibly fit on a story is placed upon this one. Many crossovers included.Oh and Chapter 5 is up. Hurrah for Soul Calibur!
1. Le Remote

Author: Um, yeah, the first chapter of a story I'm kinda just pulling out of my ass. ; Sorry if it sucks I ahven't gone back and done any sort of editing or revising, but I couldn't wait to post it here. Enjoy, and please rate. Pwease. puppy eyes

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**Naruto Yuri and Yaoi Fanfiction with Incest and Transies and Its. Oh My! **

Chapter 1: Enter Ruri, Junko, and Their Plans of World Domination for Closet Monkey and Lonely Gay Eskimo's Freedom Along Side Fellow Afro-man Nabeshin.

_"Here we are," Junko cackled, flipping her violet haw length hair in a seductive manner and flirtatiously winking at the camera. Her tri-colored eyes glistened under the pale moonlight, altering between hues of blue, green, and grey. A pure white yukata contrasted perfectly with her slightly bronzed complexion, and seemed to blaze within the night sky. _

_"Jun-" Ruri began, suddenly drawing Junko's attention upon the petite girl. Burgundy locks neatly grazed the edge of her jaw, a complement to her deep chestnut eyes. An elegant crimson kimono concealed her sallow body, the edges skimming across the sullen earth. _

_"Junko!" Ruri barked, her eyes boiling with enmity. "Would ya stop with the narrations?" _

"Humph. Some people just have no appreciation for the arts," Junko huffed, shaking her head in disappointment.

"What the feckin' crumpets are you talkin' about!"

"Banana's?"

"Wha…?"

"Broccoli. Beef stew. Sushi. Catfish. Teriyaki Beef."

"Rice cakes. Udon noodles. Ramen. Fried calamari!" a perky orange haired lass continued.

"Who the eff are you!" Ruri exclaimed, rudely pointing at said orange haired lass.

"I am Excel Excel, but you can call me Excel for short! Faithful servant to Lord Ilpalazzo!" the lass shrieked in a singsong tone.

After Excel had finished her elaborate song and dance in honor of Lord Ilpalazzo, our two heroines heard the sound of muffled voice far off into the distance. As time went by the voice became more distinctive, and much clearer, until they could eventually be comprehended. "Quick she went this way, men!" a booming voice commanded, followed by the sound of a coordinated march of soldiers.

"Le gasp! They have found me!" Excel...gasped and immediately withdrew a tiny Ford Mustang from the bottom of her pocket. "Au reviour."

With that said Excel dove into her newly acquired sports car and sped off into the distance, abandoning our heroines in the exact spot of which our story had begun. "Note to self," Ruri muttered quickly scribbling in her handy dandy notebook. "Buy sport's cars for faster world domination."

"Note to self, sign Ruri up for meeting with psychiatrist to sort out schizophrenic behavioral issues," Junko mumbled, jotting down her note in her "uniquely acquired" handy dandy notebook curtsey of Ruri.

"I heard that!"

"Heard what?" Junko cluelesssly inquired.

"You?"

"Boo?"

"No!"

"Bo?"

"Not bo…" Ruri began before Junko abruptly interrupted her.

"…but Bo-Bobo!"

"Did somebody call me?" a tall man exclaimed, his giant brown afro juggling as he came to a halt.

"Dude," Ruri sighed. "You ain't Bo-Bobo."

"Yeah man, you're Nabeshin!"

"That's right! I--------'m Nabeshin my afro suits me…" Nabeshin sang, with Ruri and Junko accompanying him.

"Ha! Who! He-yah!" they all shouted, each striking a unique pose and ending their show with an all-together hand pound.

"Good he is on our side," Ruri proclaimed. "You are now a member of…"

"_Ruri and Junko's Plans of World Domination to Free the Closet Monkeys and Lonely Gay Eskimo's and Lead Them Down to Path of Destruction in Which They Shall Massacre all Goody-Two Shoes and Silicon Sluts with a Bludgeon and Drink the Brains Through Bendy Straws Until They Gain Enough Power to finally Conquest Europe, Asia, Africa, America, Canada, Australia and Greenland, Alongside their only Afro Member Nabeshin!" _

"Well that just rolls of your tongue…"

"I know, man!"

"You need to lay off that damn sugar man!"

"I ain't on no sugar, man!"

"Then explain why you're always sugar high, man!"

"I ain't high on sugar; I'm high on life, man!"

"Righteous dudettes," Nabeshin exclaimed, interrupting our two heroine's argument.

"You got it dude! But about your drug problem," Junko sighed, wagging her finger at Ruri.

"I don't have a feckin drug problem!"

"Denial is always the first stage," Nabeshin interrupted again.

"Yeah, what he said!"

"You guys are idiots! Complete idiots!"

"So says the druggie," Junko snickered.

"For the last time I am not a druggie, you dumbass hippie and your equally stupid afro partner!"

"Hey I ain't no hippie, I'm really a…..MAN!"

"Le gasp!" both Nabeshin and Ruri gasped, simultaneously inhaling a vast amount of oxygen and taking a step away from Junko.

"How could you lie to me all these years?" Ruri cried, wiping her tears on Nabeshin's jacket.

"And how could you lie to Laquesha and Taneekwa!" Nabeshin bawled.

"Laque-que and Ta-who who?" Junko questioned, raising her eyebrows at the afro man.

"How could you! Acting like you don't know your own children!" Nabeshin spat. "That's it we're through!"

After Nabeshin's little outburst he exited the scene just as quickly as he appeared. "And I was just about to tell him I really wasn't a man," Junko sighed, tilting her head to the side as she gazed off into the distance.

"You really need to stop that," Ruri glowered.

"Stop what?"

"Lying! It's a sin!"

"And so is murder!"

"Are you accusing me of murder?" Ruri gasped, taken back by Junko's statement.

"Remember Kagome…?"

"Hmmm," Ruri pondered, gazing up into the sky lost in her memory.

"Oh flash back time!" Junko exclaimed as she pulled down a screen and brought out her handy dandy portable projector.

A scene flashed upon the screen, and suddenly our heroines were drawn into the memory, finding themselves in the midst of desolate field, with everything around tinted a dingy yellow. "Damn I really need to update my system," Junko muttered, cursing incoherently under her breath.

Suddenly the murky clouds above gave in, and rain began to cascade, lightning and thunder embellished the rain, sparking across the dreary sky. On the outskirts of the meadow lie an ominous woods, populated with a vast amount of predators and scavengers, with trees dancing to the howl of the wind.

"This field is all dandy and what not," Ruri began. "But why are we here?"

"Oops my bad," Junko replied, whipping out a tiny remote and fast-forwarding the tape.

Soon our heroines found themselves in feudal Japan, watching the dramatic, and slightly pathetic, battle between Kagome and Ruri. "Go Ruri kick her ass!" Ruri hooted, thrusting her fist towards the sky.

"Come on! Come on!" Junko cheered.

The battle was ended by Ruri who, after a grand total of three minutes fighting, got bored and pulled out a hand pistol shooting Kagome in the head three times. "Yes!" Ruri exclaimed, dancing in tune with her former self.

"No!" Junko wailed, sobbing over what looked to be a portable TV.

"You were cheering for Kagome!" Ruri growled, pulling out a giant bazooka from her purse and aiming it in the direction of Junko's head.

"No," sobbed Junko. "We-we just lost…three thousand dollars!"

Five anger marks spread across Ruri's forehead, as her left eye began to twitch and that ever common anime way. "How did you lose our money?"

"Hey, why do you think I lost my money!"

"Because you're…you."

"You make a good point young grasshoppa."

"I'm a year older then you, fecker!"

"No, only four months older then meh!"

"Same thing. Now, I say this again. How the frocking crumpets did ya lose our money!"

"I do not know this frocking crumpet of which you speak."

After that, statement Ruri's left eyebrow began to twitch more, and the veins on her face began to grow. "That can't be healthy ya might wanna get those checked out," Junko pointed out.

"Junko!" Ruri barked, her eyes blazing with fury. "How the hell'd you lose our money!"

"Well ya see I was wandering around Egypt one day-" Junko began before Ruri immediately interrupted her.

"Why were you in Egypt?" Ruri questioned, raising her eyebrow.

"I was, cough, on business. Anyways continuing with the story. I met some woman there and she told me she could see into the future. Think her name was Isis, or maybe Darcy. Any who. So I asked her what she saw and she told me I would win three thousand dollars if I bet my money on this horse named "Marty" in the next horse race. We had a drink, cough, got to know each other and then as I was about to leave she began to mutter things about "ancient Egypt" and "protecting the pharaoh" oh and something about "the millennium necklace is mine" and began cackling evilly. Then she ran into the corner and began rocking back and forth muttering something about Yugi and Domino City."

"Wait let me get this straight. You went to Egypt, had some psycho lady tell you you're fortune, bet three thousand on as horse that lost, and now we have no money!"

"Yup, sounds right to me!"

"Idiot!"

"Who Alex?"

"Yeah well him too-"

"And that guy Joey. Remember him?"

"No," Ruri stated shifting her eyes back and forth.

"Here let me refresh you're memory!" Junko gleamed, taking out her handy dandy remote and fast-forwarding the tape, until our heroines were in the midst of a large Japanese city. "Welcome to Domino City. Home of major hotties who should all be totally gay and lesbo!"

"Why are we here?" Ruri questioned.

"Because. Because. I said so!" Junko stammered before noticing to incredible hotties walking down the street. "Oh look it's Bakura and Malik!"

With that said Junko bolted towards the unwary young men prepared for a glomp attack, but instead ended up charging through the bodies. "You can't touch a flash back, dumbarse," Ruri sighed, as she caught up to her friend.

All of a sudden Junko withdrew her ever-handy remote, and zapped Bakura and Malik with a turquoise beam. A sinister smile formed upon Junko's lips, as the two hotties vanished along with the beam of light. "Where the mother crumpets did they go!" Ruri gasped, while she gawked at the area the two men had just momentarily been standing. "Don't tell me you transported them to some fifth dimension, and locked them up inside a deep dark dungeon where you force them to perform sexually intimate task with one another, while you watch and video tape the whole session, selling the tapes on EBay later for vast amount of money!"

"No…but that's not a bad idea!"

"Oi. Then what is your plan, missy?"

"World domination! Muahaha, commence with the plans!" Junko cackled, zapping herself and Ruri with her remote.

The two of them soon found themselves within a dim, murky chamber, where a single spotlight shone upon the kidnapped Malik and Bakura. Donned in a policewoman's uniform, with a nightstick at hand, Junko stepped forward approaching the bound Bakura and Malik. "I'm not even gonna ask," Ruri sighed.

"Where the fuck'd you take us!" Malik barked, glowering at Junko and Ruri.

"Don't glare at me mister! She's the kidnapper, I'm just the rapist!" Ruri grinned wickedly.

Bakura and Malik merely gulped in response while Junko continued the interrogation. "Now, onwards with the investigation! Take over officer Maguire," Junko proclaimed, while a stout, bald man entered the scene.

"Ahem, yes," the man began before his moustache fell off, followed by the remainder of his costume.

A tall, orange haired teenager of an idiotic and hideous mien stood before them, a look of astonishment dominating his countenance. "Le gasp! It's Kuwabaka my arch foe!" Junko cried.

"Arch foe?" Ruri, Bakura, and Malik questioned in unison.

"Yes! We goes back along time," Kuwabara explained with his ever raspy and chafing voice.

"Yupp'ms. Let me show you with a flashback!" Junko beamed, extracting her remote for the umpteenth time.

"Not again!" Ruri wailed, snatching the remote from the clutches of Junko and pulverizing said remote with her portable bazooka gun.

Junko merely reached into the depths of her endless pocket and grabbed another remote while cackling," Mwahahahahah! Fear me and the awesomeness of le remote!"

"Never!" Ruri hollered. "I call upon the powers of the Inner Senshi!"

"Le gasp, you wouldn't!"

"Aha, but I will!"

Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus soon entered the scene, an array of neon lights and floating stars and such followed them. "Now I commandeth you to destroy all her remotes!" Ruri ordered, and immediately the scouts attacked Junko.

However, before the inner Senshi could cause Junko any harm, using her ever-handy remote she zapped herself with a deep emerald light. Once short hair violet in hue grew to waste length and altered in color until it became a deep jade. Her white yukata suddenly vanished, and was replaced with the traditional Sailor Senshi attire, hers being of an emerald hue. Thus, she became Sailor Pluto. "Wait, wait. Stop the story!" Ruri exclaimed, snatching Junko's remote and freezing the scene. "How can you be Sailor Pluto when she's Sailor Pluto?"

Ruri then whipped out a picture of Setsuna , otherwise known as Sailor Pluto. "I have my ways," Junko curtly responded.

"And besides, why would you choose her. She has a feckin' wand for a weapon man?"

"Aha. Not anymore!" Junko cackled unsheathing a large gun-blade from its holder. "I got an upgrade!"

Out of the blue two, rather tall and handsome, men emerged, one with bright sapphire eyes, golden blonde locks, and a .44 magnum sniper slung over his shoulder. The other had brunette hair, deep cerulean eyes, and a scar running across his face. "That's mine you little bitch!" the brunette declared flipping her off.

"Way to be outta character Squallie," Junko pouted, pointing the gun blade at said "Squallie." "Where's the aloofness. The cool demeanor, the whateverness! Huh? Huh?"

"It flew out my ass now give me my fucking gun blade back!"

"Pft. She'd never give a gun blade to such an OOC Squall!" Ruri barked, forming her hand into a gun and pointing towards Squall.

The other man just stood silently in the background taking in the conversation, when he suddenly became trigger-happy. Needless to say, many bullets were fired, and our heroines quickly found safety behind the bloody corpse of the once aloof soon turned rabid after loss of gun Squall.

"Well that was...awkward," Ruri commented staring at the strange blonde man.

"Oh em gee it's K!" Junko gasped and immediately glomped the poor man.

"Jun, he's 36…"

"Pft age ain't nothin' but a number!"

"Aha but I am also married and have a kid! And have my friend .44 magnum!" Mr. K added a large smile plastered on his face.

"Pft they're all the way in America! And we're here in the midst of; well I'm not quite sure where we are…."

"But you brought us here!" Ruri barked.

"Indeed I did."

"Which brings up another effin question, how the hell did you get here!"

"I did a little bang, bang, bang, and soon found myself here!"

"That explains nothing!"

"For once I agree with my short tempered and equally short heighten partner Ruri," Junko exclaimed. "But before your argument begins to heat up, what are we going to do with all of them?"

Junko then pointed out all the additional background characters who had been forgotten about until this very second, remaining frozen in time, in this dimensions, where not even god knows where it is located. "Who man, who the hell are they?" Mr. K inquired and pulled out his .44 magnum, yet again. "Tell me before I blew your god damn brains out."

His trust "friend" was now aimed at Ruri's forehead where beads of sweat neatly began to form. "Well, um, they're. Uh. Some people we, uh, sorta kinda, kidnapped. I think, uh, yeah," Ruri stammered, in utter fear if her life.

"Oh is that all," K replied, and with that began to light heartedly laugh, a bit psychotically might I add.

"Aww he's so psychotic!" Junko beamed, stars gleaming in her eyes. "Can I keep him, can I?"

"He's a grown man, not a pet!"

"But, but. He's so cuuute!" Junko bawled, glomping the trigger happy Mister K.

"Really am I cute?" K gleamed, stars shining in his eyes, as they were in Junko's eyes previously.

"Yes, and now you are mine!"

"No, you're mine," Mr. K cackled, drawing out his magnum and, now directed it at Junko.

"Yes, ma'am! I mean sir!"

"Once again…I'm SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" Ruri barked, whacking both Mr. K and Junko across the head with a large paper fan.


	2. Alice in Wonderland

A/N: Well here's Chapter 2. Still have gotten around to editing these >> Well R & R, 'kay thanks.

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"Aww he's so psychotic!" Junko beamed, stars gleaming in her eyes. "Can I keep him, can I"  
"He's a grown man, not a pet"  
"But, but. He's so cuuute!" Junko bawled, glomping the trigger happy Mister K.  
"Really am I cute?" K gleamed, stars shining in his eyes, as they were in Junko's eyes previously. "Yes, and now you are mine"  
"No, you're mine," Mr. K cackled, drawing out his magnum and, now directed it at Junko.  
"Yes, ma'am! I mean sir"  
"Once again…I'm SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" Ruri barked, whacking both Mr. K and Junko across the head with a large paper fan.

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"Where the hell'd you get that?" Junko questioned, shooting daggers at Ruri with her glare. 

"I cough borrowed it from a certain cough sexy cough blonde priest with a temper…"

"You stole it from Sanzo…"

"No. I _borrowed _it…without permission."

"So in other words you stole it."

"I prefer to think of it as….eh shit I got nothing."

"Ruri!" Junko scolded whacking her on the end. "Will your series of crimes ever end?"

"Pft, I have committed no crimes!"

"Kagome…"

"Well, that was an exception…"

"Alex…"

"Um…he was too stupid to deserve to live…."

"Zach…"

"Being a sex fiend deserves the death sentence…"

"Kairi…"

"Uh…that one was an accident…"

"Sora…"

"5 year old sounding transvestites don't deserve to live…"

"Karasu…"

"I discovered his sexiness too late…"

"And there's 26 more people whose lives you tragically stole from them. You criminal!"

"Well when you say it with that tone…"

"Um hello," K interrupted in a sing-songy voice. "Did you guys forget about me?"

"Yup," Ruri curtly responded. "And I think Junko forgot that she's still dressed like Sailor Pluto…"

"Oh yeah I forgot about that," Junko awkwardly laughed. "Hold on while I find a better suited outfit for this occasion."

Before Ruri or K could respond Junko zapped herself with her remote, and abruptly vanished returning a split second later donned in a new, leather clad ensemble. Leather pants clung to her legs with a pair of shin high combat boots over that. A cheery blossom tree was imprinted on her shirt, with bleach splattered upon that, and a frayed, shrunken leather jacket over that. Her hair now reached her shoulders with newly cut bangs and died a strawberry blonde hue. "That defies all laws of logic I know," K commented.

"And nothing else you've seen today does," Ruri sighed.

"You make a good point…"

"Alright well then, now that I'm ready let's go!" Junko proclaimed.

"Go where?" Ruri questioned, cocking her eyebrow at her friend.

"To---WONDERLAND!"

Both K and Ruri looked at Junko rather strangely, as if she were a homeless mutant ninja turtle version of jaws. "Well I needed a break from work; I'll just force Bad Luck to work overtime when I return!" K remarked, a maniacal look in his eyes.

"Um yes you do that Mr. Crazy," Ruri jeered.

"Hmm, now all we need to do is find a rabbit and follow it through a hole!"

"Why a rabbit?"

"That's what Alice did, didn't she?"

"But wait which one of us will be Alice!" Junko questioned interrupting Ruri and K's conversation.

"Hmm, well let's look at this logically. If K were Alice he would shoot the poor bunny to death, end of story. You most likely wouldn't notice the bunny, or be sleeping, end of story. And I sure as hell wouldn't follow no bunny into a damn hell, end of story…" Ruri explained.

"Then let's let the remote decide!"

Once again, Junko's remote proved rather useful for their rather useless plans. After pressing a few buttons, a giant screen appeared in front of them with a list of what appeared to be a cast plastered on it. "The remote hath spoken. The part of Alice will be played by Ruri! The Cheshire cat will be played by Junko. K's the mad hatter. The caterpillar is Spike. The March Hare is Excel Excel. Queen of Hearts is none other then Faye Valentine. White rabbit is played by Ryuichi. Hyatt plays the doorknob, the rose is Yaone, and the cards are an army of Anko's!"

"Since when are all these people in the story?"

"Since now, now let the story begin!"

No one had a chance to speak before a radiant light engulfed them all, and just as quickly disappeared revealing an entirely different seen from the perilous universe where they once had been. Instead, there was merely Ruri, adorned in baby blue and white dress, which clung to her body like a second skin, and left none to the imagination. "Hey what the fuck's going on here! Since when's Alice in wonderland an effin porno?" Ruri barked, with obvious displeasure towards her ensemble.

As Ruri continued her little rant with a chain of vulgar words, a white rabbit ran by, except this rabbit was by no means a rabbit, but a very sexy young man, adorned in the playboy bunny suit. "Ooh sexy man! Must follow rabid fan girl instincts!" Ruri exclaimed pursuing the young man.

Abruptly the rabbit halted diving into a giant hole, and Ruri, being the obsessive fan girl she is, immediately followed after, finding herself in an awkward predicament. A large door lay in front of her, a pallid girl with azure hair was bound to the surface of the door, and her rather large breasts appeared to be the door handle. "Hey, um, Ms. Door Handle did a rather sexy rabbit run by this way?" Ruri inquired, her eyes darting about the room in search of said rabbit.

The door handle, otherwise known as Hyatt, did not answer but instead a claret like substance began cascading from her mouth, her already ashen skin losing color every second. "Okay Ms. Door handle just died. I think," Ruri commented, examining the anemic girl. "Now what to do…"

While Ruri was contemplating her course of action, another person began to materialize behind her. That person was none other then Junko. Now, however, purple and pink striped cat ears replaced her human ears, and a slender purple and pink tale protruded from her barely there skirt. A purple corset covered her chest, stopping an inch above her navel, and clung to her body, if possible tighter then Ruri's dress. A black, leather mini skirt covered her bottom, and reached a quarter of her thigh, leaving much fan service for the men. A pair of thigh high, leather boots covered the remainder of her legs, and under that was a bit of fishnet stockings. "Junko?" Ruri questioned in much amazement.

"No, I'm the Cheshire cat remember," Junko spat whacking Ruri across the back of her head. "And your Alice get it straight…"

"Oh right…but anyways. Do you know how the hell do I get through there?" Ruri retorted, pointing towards Hyatt.

"Maybe yes, maybe no. She me some money and then you will know," the Cheshire cat smirked.

"But I didn't bring any money…but I have a lollipop."

"Well have fun then," she huffed before vanishing into the air, leaving a very stunned Ruri.

"Damn bitch, now what do I do…"

Mumbling to herself Ruri began to pace back and forth, suddenly noticing a tiny red and blue bottle located on a round, wooden table in the center of the room. 'How'd I miss that?' Ruri wondered, shrugging her shoulders and continued pacing back and forth.

While Ruri was pacing, the rabbit boy from before reappeared, and stepped in front of Ruri's path glaring at her. "Bunny!" Ruri squealed glomping the bunny. "Hey wait aren't you Ryuichi."

The rabbit cough while replying, "No I'm the white rabbit! Now, for the sake of this story can you pwease drink that little red bottle over there!"

"But why?"

"Haven't you seen Alice in Wonderland?"

"Yes."

"….then drink the bottle!"

"WHY!"

"We need a fill in Alice," Ryuichi sighed.

After Ryuichi's comment Ruri vanished and was replaced by Hiro, the same outfit that was currently worn by Ruri was now worn by Hiro. "Where am I?" the red haired guitarist questioned glancing around the room. "And why am I in a dress?"

"'cuse you're Alice, now onwards with the story!"

Having said that, the sexy rabbit vanished leaving a very baffled, drag queen Hiro alone in the unusual room. "I take it this is supposed to reenact Alice in Wonderland," she muttered to himself. "Now what did Alice do? Oh right, the bottle."

Hiro then proceeded to drink the fluid from the red bottle Ruri unwisely choose to ignore, and he rapidly began to shrink. At about one eight his size he was able to slip through the minute door, conveniently located next to the Hyatt door, and entered Wonderland.


	3. Enter the Alice's

Hmm, yeah so no one reads this anyways. It sucks, but was pretty fun to write. Review or whatever.

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"I'm late, I'm late!" Ryuichi exclaimed dashing off into the distance.

"Ryuichi?" Hiro questioned calling out to the frantic rabbit.

"I'm the White Rabbit not Ryuichi!" the bunny beamed, a mischievous smirk spread across his face. "Say you're rather sexy Ms. Alice."

"Uh. Heh. Heh," Hiro stammered, backing away from the approaching rabbit.

"Why not have a bit of fun with me for awhile?"

"No thanks!" Hiro exclaimed, and bolted away from the rabbit, finding himself lost in the midst of a forest.

Continuing onwards, he eventually freed himself from said forest after encountering many strange creatures, all of which wished to molest him. After exiting the forest he found himself in someone's back yard, an elongated table lay in front of him. On top of the table lay the necessities of a tea party, and two blondes occupied the farthest seats. The female (March Hare) had long, orange hair wound about in a braid, and striking emerald eyes. Long, rabbit ears protruded from her head, and a white tube top dress concealed only the necessities of her body, namely her breasts and ass. The male (Mad Hatter) was wearing a black top hat; with his golden locks flowing free from underneath, his bright cerulean eyes glimmered in the sunlight. Like every other creature he encountered, the man was barely clad in female attire, a blue tube top covering his chest and a leather skirt barely covering his thighs with mesh stockings underneath. "What the hell is going on here?" Hiro sighed after noticing the Mad Hatter aka K.

"Welcome to Wonderland," someone purred in Hiro's ear, causing him to jump back startled.

The Cheshire cat once again materialized, her eyes glazed over with lust. "It's a little late for a welcome," Hiro mumbled.

"I was, ahem, busy before…"

"Do I want to know?"

"I was _playing_ with the Queen…She really is quite kink-"

"Alright too much information."

"Humph you're no fun, but oh so sexy!"

"Very sexy," the March Hare, or Excel if you prefer, added a look of pure lust in her expression.

"I think we'll have fun with this one," the Mad Hatter (K) smirked, wrapping his arms around a startled Hiro.

"Where'd you come from?" Hiro questioned, attempting to free himself from the Mad Hatter's (K's) clutch.

"Now does that really matter," he purred into Hiro's ear.

By this point, the March Hare and Cheshire Cat had joined in on the action, molesting poor Hiro in every possible way. Any attempt at a struggle utterly failed, yet still little Alice, cough Hiro, never quit.

"Would you guys stop- hey don't touch me there!" Hiro commanded, as the March Hare's hand slid up his thigh.

"These clothes are such a hassle," she noted, wrapping her fingers around his, barely there, dress.

"Yes, how can we have any fun while these are still on?" K smirked, tearing the sleeves off the white and blue dress.

"Ooh allow me the pleasure," the Cheshire Cat grinned, extracting a leather whip from the loop of her belt. "I don't like the looks of this," Hiro gulped, staring wide eyed at the weapon.

The whip soon made contact with Hiro's flesh, mincing his outfit into threads. While the Cheshire Cat continued to whip him, and the March Hare and Mad Hatter stood back to watch, Hiro took this to his advantage and ran the hell away from the three sex obsessed fiends. He hadn't gotten far before colliding with a short girl, with mouse ears instead of human ones. The mouse was none other than Ruri, attired in less clothing then she had been when she was Alice. A bikini like top covered half of her breasts, and tied around her neck, with the area between made of mesh. Tight leather shorts covered only her bum, and thigh high boots covered her feet with a garter underneath. "Oh it's you," Ruri spat glowering at Hiro. "Thanks to you I'm stuck wearing this even sluttier outfit!"

"Was it my fault you sucked at being Alice?" Hiro retorted.

"Like you're any better," she scoffed, examining his ragged clothing.

"Shut-up…Well at least you're not like all those other sex obsessed freaks…"

"Hmm, maybe now's the time to give into peer pressure," she smirked advancing on Hiro.

"No go against the man! AGAINST THE MAN!"

"But you're sexy," she whined glomping him.

While Ruri, the mouse, was engaged in the action of sexual harassment, a lone, walking, personified rose emerged from behind, purple locks concealed by a flowering rose that surrounded her face. She was donning a red bathing suit the covered the essentials of her breasts and legs, leaving her stomach bare with a thin strip running down the center. "You slutty rose woman HELP ME!" Hiro hollered attempting to free himself from Ruri's grasp.

The rose, Yaone, merely glanced in Hiro's direction and continued treading down the forest path, leaving Hiro to be fondled by Ruri. Shortly, the rose (Yaone) reappeared, an army of card women (Roponmatsu's) trailing directly behind her. White corsets covered their chests, and red leather shorts covered the uppermost portion of their thighs. The symbol of their specific card was engraved upon their white boots, arm bands and head bands. "A rescue party?" Hiro questioned with much hope.

"I'm afraid not," Yaone cackled, as she and the army of cards joined in on the molestation of Hiro.

"That's it, I quit!" Hiro proclaimed, flinging all of his molesters off him. "I'm done being Alice! Cheshire Cat get your ass over here and get me outta here!"

"You called," she purred into his ear, appearing behind him.

"Yes."

"Are you ready to submit to my every wish?"

"No, just get my out of here…"

"Hmm, nope!"

"Have it your way," he snarled and attacked the poor defenseless feline, stealing her ever handy remote and transporting himself out of wonderland.

"Where'd Alice go?" the march hare questioned, as she entered the scene, the Mad Hatter by her side.

"He escaped," she sighed, shaking her head in pity. "We'll need another fill in."

"Can I make a suggestion," Ruri smirked, and whispered the future Alice's name in the Cheshire Cat's ear.

"Heh, heh. Purrfect," the Cheshire Cat remarked, and once again withdrew her remote.

A turquoise beam emitted from the device, and soon a certain blonde haired, droopy eyed monk materialized, attired in the barely there Alice costume. "What the fuck…" was his only remark.

"Welcome to Wonderland Alice 3!" the Cheshire cat greeted. "We'll now proceed to molest you. 'kay?"

Sanzo simply withdrew his gun and fired a bullet through the heads of each twisted Alice in Wonderland character. "I think not," he humphed and stalked away.

Ruri and Junko found themselves within a deep abyss, still dressed as the mouse and Cheshire Cat repectively. "Say Ruri," Junko began.

"Yeah?"

"Ever wonder why it is we never seem to die?"

"Because we're the main characters, we can't die yet."

"But what about Yusuke I mean he died and he was a main character."

"He was brought back to life…"

"Well what about Tidus he died."

"At the end…"

"And Hyatt…"

"She's just a walking corpse."

"Why can't we be walking corpses then!"

"Because, because we can't be. That's why bitch."

There was a moment of silence following Ruri's previos statement, until- "So, Ruri. Do you know where we are?"

"How the hell should I know…"

"Hmm, true you don't seem to know much."

"Hey I resent that."

"And I should care?"

"Don't get sassy with me."

"However am I being sassy."

"…"

"Three dots hardly qualifies as a response."

"Junko. Shut-up."

"You cannot silence me. Insert evil cackling here. Mwahahahahahaha."

"I think we need to get you meds for your bi-polarness."

"Bipolarness isn't a word."

"Well it is now nig!"

"Le gasp."

"Oh who gives a flyin' fuck I'm black inside dawg 'n dats wut countz yo."

"Ruri?"

"I ain't Ruri anymores. Call meh Rurizzle fo now. Foo shizzle."

Junko shook her head and clouted Ruri with a scintillating wand that materialized from the caliginosity. "You're white get over it and find us a way out of this abyss."

"Yes'm."


	4. Soul Calibur

Author- So, I've finally decided to update this story. I have 12 minutes to write this chapter so it might be a bit short, and it might, well, suck.

* * *

After an hour of aimless wandering, and random gun shots from Junko our two heroines somehow escaped from the black abyss. So dark and suffocating, grabbing a hold of them with its tightest grip, tighter than a pair of their little sister's jeans. Which looked great on them by the way. (A/N- cough Moving on)

They found themselves in the center of a temple, cherry blossom trees enclosing them. Petals whirled in the wind, scattering across the ground in perfect disarray. All was quiet, serene, two things our two heroines hadn't experienced in quite some time. (But with these two one can wonder if they've ever had a moment of peace in their lives.)

The silent was abruptly interrupted by the voice of a deep, older man. "And fight!" the voice commanded while two woman emerged on the scene.

A tall, voluptuous woman charged forward, her short silver hair glistening under the pale moonlight. She held a sword in her hand, one that appeared that have a mind of its own, for it moved freely of its masters will. Coming in from the other side was another "well-developed" woman, her assets bouncing up and down as she raced forward, her body suit clinging to her like a second skin. Long raven hair was pulled back into a high-pony-tail, and two daggers were held in her hand. The two women soon encountered one another, and the fight began. The raven-haired woman (let's call her Taki) giggled in a maniacal sort of way, as she bound high into the air flipping over the silver-haired woman (let's call her Ivy.) "Dance," Ivy commanded, twirling her blade around as if it were a whip, lashing Taki in the process.

"You know despite how hot this is, maybe we should get out of here," Junko suggested.

"I never thought I'd say this, but good idea…"Ruri responded.


	5. Le Pencil

A/N- Okay the 5th chapter is up now. Sorry for the shortness of the previous chapter, and the crappiness of it. I felt like throwing a bit of Soul Calibur in there for good measure. This will be the continuation of the Soul Calibur bit, and please people review. Oh and give me some ideas for what I can use for the next chapter. Well onwards with the story.

* * *

As Ruri and Junko were about to escape, the random voice appearing from thin air, spoke once more. "Ivy wins!"

Our two heroines glanced back to see Ivy standing atop of Taki, her sword dancing in her grasp. "Who's next?" she purred, eyeing both Ruri and Junko.

"She is," Junko instinctively proclaimed thrusting Ruri forward.

"Jun," Ruri hissed. "I don't have a weapon."

"This'll do," Junko announced, tossing a pencil to her dear friend Ruri.

"What a vast amount of damage I can bring about with this writing utensil…"

"Hey don't underestimate the power of le pencil! They can be very dangerous."

"Enough!" Ivy commanded. "Let us begin."

The voice then announced the start of the fight, and both fighters charged at one another, okay well Ivy did, and Ruri had more of an evasive strategy, sprinting as far away from Ivy as possible all while screaming bloody murder.

"And they're off," Junko stated, microphone in hand. "Ruri seems to be taking the defense, as she sprints about the ring, letting out a blood-curdling battle cry. Oh the intensity, I have never seen such enthusiasm before in my life. But wait what's this, Ruri has taken hiding behind that there rock in the corner, about twenty steps to the left of Ivy. No, Ivy's other left, okay yup there you go, you find her. But alas, Ivy, using her grand perception, has located her enemy and is prepared to make the final, and first, blow of the fight. Ruri better act quick if she still wishes to have the lead in this match."

Ivy hovered over Ruri, sword positioned above her shoulder, prepared to strike its victim. In an attempt to save her life Ruri withdrew the pencil Junko passed onto her, and feebly prepared to defend against the brutal attack. "No!" Ivy shrieked, dropping to the ground, head in hands. "Anything but that!"

Ruri simply gawked at the sight before her, the once fearsome broad writhing on the ground in pure agony. Poking Ivy's arm with the pencil, she awaited the older woman's reaction. "Never again!" she shrilled, spazzing at the contact with the pencils lead.

"And the winner is Ruri!" Junko proclaimed. "On the count of Ivy has become mentally unstable and needs to be relocated to the nice cushiony room."

"Why she fears pencil is a profound mystery indeed," Ruri commented, rising from her feeble position on the ground.

"Like I said before pencils can be very dangerous objects," Junko stated, a flash of fear crossing her face. "Very dangerous…"

"Some things in life are best left a mystery."

* * *

A/N- Never underestimate pencils. They are the writing utensils from hell. D 


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